About me

I think most would agree that striving to be a good person is a virtuous endeavor. It was definitely a bedrock principle of the social and emotional environment I grew up within. Which is why at the age of nineteen, when my soon-to-be mentor invited me to look at the impact that 'trying to be good' was having on my life - I had no idea what he was talking about. 

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He was leading me and twentyish other participants through a four step self-inquiry method known as the ‘The Work’ of Byron Katie and

"I need to be a good person" was the belief in question. It was making me very uneasy, because obviously I need to be a good person.

 

It turns out the moral value of a belief and its experiential impact are not equal. Phrased in 'The Work' terminology - how I react when I believe this thought is very different from the good intentions behind it.

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We don’t experience beliefs directly, we experience our reaction to a belief, we experience the way the belief makes us behave with ourselves and others. Well-meaning beliefs manifest in unexpected ways, yields results contrary to our initial intentions, and can even transform us into the very things we are attempting to oppose.

 

I share this story because I find most people can relate to wanting to be a good person, partner, parent etc. and struggle with all of the hidden impacts that go along with it. In fact, I believe this ineffective story explains much of the fear-based behavior we see going on in the world individually and collectively. Most importantly, however, I share this experience because I find this story to be the leading roadblock to our primary task in psychotherapy and in Life - which is to learn and grow.

 

Believing that you need to be good prevents you from experiencing the truth: that you already are.

 

Resting in the truth of one's goodness is a foundational vantage point from which I work with all of my clients. When you know that what you are is good, it's safe to see all of the ways you are showing up as less than love. When you stop outsourcing your identity to others (which is a requirement of the story "I need to be a good person") and know the truth of who you are for yourself; self-discovery becomes what it was meant to be: a humbling celebration.

 

Rather than fearing being 'found out' or 'called out,' you can begin to live with wild abandon, knowing that when reflections and feedback come, they are here as empowering opportunities for you to take responsibility, make amends where they are needed, and continue growing into the whole, self-realized human being you are here to be. 

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